Before I post this verse, I want to apologize to my subscribers… I have been ill, and did not feel up to posting. I am still battling a chronic condition… thanks for your patience with me.
Matthew 26:24 “The Son of Man is going away just as it is written about Him; but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been good for that man if he had not been born.”
It is the Last Supper, and Jesus is speaking to the disciples. He tells them that He is going away but says also that one will betray Him. Judas spoke up and said, “Surely it is not me” Jesus responded and said, “You said it.” Sort of like the old saying a hit dog hollers first. Judas leaves, and before the night is over, he does betray Jesus with a kiss.
But what of Judas, well he took the money they paid him for the betrayal and gave it back. It was used to buy a potter’s burial field where the poor are buried. In 2019, I did my Lenten study on a call to risky living because following Christ is risky. I had lost my purpose. As a Warrior I needed a purpose. Fighters fight for no reason except to fight but warriors need a purpose. I was a warrior born. When I became a Christian step by step I was recreated into a warrior and I had not purpose.
One of the parts that this journey dealt with was regrets. It pictured Judas trapped within all his regrets of what he had done. He was unable to forgive himself. This is what I wrote on March 23, 2019…
“I hear people all the time say they have no regrets. I don’t believe them, but that is probably because I regret it all the time. I regret words I have said in haste that hurt another. I regret yelling in anger, but I have, and always have the weight of regret placed on my heart. I regret shutting people out when I know they care for me. I regret that sometimes I walk too close to the edge of cliff that I come close to falling off, or too close to the fire that I am scorched. I regret that I am so stubborn that I failed to be kind. I regret I was one of those who walked by one who was hurting, and was not the Samaritan. I regret that some of my ancestors have been cruel people, and I cannot undo it. I regret being judgmental without listening…. I have regrets… I know I am a failed Christian.
Each one of these regrets has been guilt in my heart. I wrote years ago in my book on my journey through grief that guilt is a weight you carry in your heart. They haunt me, weigh me down, and will eventually fill me with hopelessness. I know for when you grieve there is all those things that you regret you did not do…and all the good things you did for your loved one is gone out the window and forgotten. You can wallow in your guilt, and you will look like mud. Regret is just another word for guilt. Regret is also grief.
I always want to go back to before I said or did something that was harmful… a do-over… but this life doesn’t allow that to happen. Apologizing doesn’t always help for there in my heart I am grieving my actions that are wrapped up in my guilt.
I used to patch my jeans, and have a favorite pair that I keep telling myself to patch the huge hole in the butt. I was good at patching my jeans but no matter what I did I could never make those jeans look whole again. The patch was still there. It is the way of relationships; an apology is a patch that if we had been kind or patient would never have needed a patch to repair the damage. Sometimes if I work really hard for it, I have found that something can be made beautiful from that patch. But I also have to forgive myself.
I can forgive others long before I do forgive myself…. I will play misdeeds over and over late in the middle of the night until I have cried out, Lord forgive me. I remember one night when I was looking deep into the darkness of my soul… I cried out and I heard within my heart- “I have forgiven you…When will you forgive yourself?” That is the rub- forgiving myself- facing myself and admitting I have hurt another-sometimes it is easier grieving my regrets and carrying the weight of my guilt.
It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned. It would be a lesson that would change me. It didn’t mean that I would never have another regret for I have, but I could not be restored to myself until I picked up the weight of guilt and tossed it out.
Since those days when I faced each one, I carried, and forgave myself, I have lived free. Those chains placed on me by me have been broken.
Since that day, my heart has also bled for Judas Iscariot. I know that is odd to say. Here was this man who was a Zealot in how he practiced his faith. He hated that the Romans controlled his country. He chose to follow Jesus because he knew that Jesus would start a revolution that would overthrow the Roman Empire. He was right in a way, but it would be a spiritual revolt that would take centuries. Judas was impatient, and he did not listen to what Jesus was truly saying. He wanted the Romans gone. He was the weak link in the disciples and those priests in the Temple were looking for a weak link to destroy Jesus for they saw him as dangerous. He was questioning the status quo. Judas was that weak link. They tell him how much he can help his cause. They beguile Judas speaking to that part of him that doesn’t like that Jesus is not starting a revolution. He takes the bribe of thirty pieces of silver. He betrays Jesus.
He grieves for what he has done. He cuts himself off from God. He chains the weight of what he has done to him, and he is drowning in his soul. There is within me an understanding that Judas’ biggest sin was not coming before God and saying I did a horrible thing, please forgive me. What a powerful witness that would have been, but regrets can also be beguiling as snake hypnotizing its prey. He caved to the guilt, and the guilt swallowed him, He hung himself.
Most people never go that far, but regret and guilt do separate us from the comfort of God. They keep us from being free.
So, to answer the question, do I let God comfort me, is yes, but it took a long road to get to that point that I did. Just as forgiving others transformed me more into a new creation so has forgiving myself transformed me into a new creation.”
As I read over this, I knew I had things that I still had to forgive myself for doing. I am still a failed Christian. I make mistakes all the time, but I also know that even when I don’t forgive myself, that I am forgiven.
Today’s Question:
Do you have any regrets?
Ever in Christ’s Love,
Mary Elizabeth Todd
March 27, 2024/ September 26, 2024
Ruhamah United Methodist Church Bible Verses 